Pain is inevitable, but suffering?

Dealing with the Ying-Yang of happiness and despair, joy and sorrow, triumphs and disasters...

My occasional photographic posts on Instagram over the last couple of months prompted a friend to comment that we seemed to be on a roll. And she couldn’t have been more accurate. We were on the roll - sometimes up, sometimes down. And sometimes deep deep down. It just depends on which slice of the journey you see us in or what we choose to show. That’s the nature of social media, it conceals more than it reveals.

If Vipassana is about seeing things as they are, zooming out stripping away the layers of illusion, then social media is just it’s very opposite. It’s selectively zoomed-in and tightly cropped to show things we wish to - ranging from over-zealous sharing, to deliberate misdirected marketing.

But her comment, and my partner’s journey of last two weeks+ with debilitating pain, followed by more episodes of illnesses in the family, acted as a reflection point and a trigger for this post.

Up we go, down south

Sometime is late May, our son finally decided to apply to 2 of the new age liberal-arts colleges in India. And he got into both, and in one - with a full merit based scholarship. And that called for a celebration. Though there’s a long back story on the reason for the celebration - and for inserting that little word in there: ‘finally’!

But that’s for later.

At the spur of the moment, we trooped over to the tiny island nation of Mauritius, ringed by corals and clear crystal waters - a place we once called home over 2 decades ago. The gamble we were taking was leaving behind our frail, ageing moms - but the flip side was there were friends and neighbours (and doctors amongst them) who were more than willing to checkin. The week flew like a breeze - we drove hundreds of kilometres around the island, swam, ate, fed cats, walked with lions (really!), lazed, more than dipped our toes in the Indian Ocean, and ate more. And helped our son see a slice of our lives, before he was born.

Coming back after an intense trip is a guarantee for withdrawals. That sliding down part. Made worse by the debilitating migraine that hit my partner - and our son’s impending departure to college, that future empty-nest awaiting us, and an immediate and ever growing list of to-do’s.

Up again, north by northwest

A little over a week later - we were headed to a picturesque green valley, located between the green, gently sloping Sahyadris - a 1600 kilometre mountain range that winds along the western edge of India, across 6 states. Spread across many acres, blocks, playing fields, stadia, a massive library combined with a liberal arts curriculum boasting over 300 courses to choose from - its the kind of place we wish we had, when considering an undergrad degree. Registration day was long - and in some ways, very short. The time to say goodbye and leave the campus came too fast, it felt. The pain of parting, mixed in equal measures by the tinge of uncertainty and the delight of seeing him take his first steps towards independence.

And down we go

Then came Esha’s pains - following a week long viral fever the muscles rebelled and every time she lay down, the intense shooting pain woke up from it’s momentary slumber. Sleepless nights, hospital visits, intravenous injections became part of two intense weeks that seemed to last much longer. Until we found refuge in acupuncture with it’s distinctively Eastern approach to treating all pains: don’t fight it, don’t suppress it, but understand and embrace it. Only then can you let it go.

And this post does just that - embraces the pains, the losses, the heartbreaks and scars. Mixed with the joy of unapologetically seizing the moments which make life special, memorable and meaningful. Enjoying the coffee and not lamenting an empty cup left behind.

Out of syllabus?

In January this year, we were on tenterhooks. Our son was recuperating from a surgery. He had two large health scares the year before - one resulting in multiple appointments with oncologists and several complex tests and probes, some of which made us wait for 4 weeks to come from a city far far away. And he was a few months away from the Grade 12, the dreaded critical Higher Secondary Board Exams.

This series of illnesses marked a new low in cycle of a year that brought irreplaceable losses and pain: my dad’s sudden passing away, my mom’s hospitalisation and a long road to recovery, a job loss owing to funding winter.

Many Indians believe this Board exam is life changing and gives shape to our career trajectories. For us, it was a question of whether he would be able to even take it, given the multiple tests and exams life has been throwing at each of us. None of it came with prep-time or dates. Not all of it was supposed to be in syllabus, or was it?

Joseph Goldstein has this thought-provoking dharma talk that I have gone back to several times - on impermanence. We often say: why me? We live in denial, kick and scream in our minds, in resentment and anger - why me? He reminds us of an everyday Buddhist prayer, which helps to underline the inevitability of pain, losses, grief and impermanence, in our lives—

What is subject to age, will grow old
And I am not exempt

What is subject to illness, will become ill
And I am not exempt

What is subject to death, eventually passes away
And I am not exempt

We live our lives hoping for the good times to last forever. We see death, illnesses, and old age all around us and somehow believe that it won’t touch us. And this is a reminder that none of us are exempt. The lives of haves and the have-nots follow the very same x-axis of time, with joys, sorrows, pains and pleasure going up and down the y-axis, unravelling like a sine-curve.

This calm, stoic, embracing of the duality of life makes the pain bearable and suffering optional. It’s a deep gratitude for and a celebration of the little joys and ‘normal’ everyday life, with people we love, in places we enjoy. Here, and now.

Finally

Supported by some of his teachers - our son took the plunge. Deep down in the murky waters of the raging, scary ocean that is the Board Exams. Not only did he not drown, but he also found the strength to swim and come out with a score to be proud of.

That’s when he decided that to take a gap year, rest, travel and rethink the way ahead. Little did we know things would change. After all the twists and turns, it looks like a happy path which he didn’t realise he wanted to commit to. Right now, as Esha recovers from her pains, I am in a different city watching over a recuperating boy - recovering from another illness, which, after a point the university struggled to manage or contain.

The image below is taken from our breakfast table on the morning of the day we were scheduled to fly out from Mauritius. We discussed what would break if we decided to extend the holiday by a 2-3 more days? It was obvious that 3 days later, we would still come back to this very same moment - time to stay goodbye, and the wanting to hold on. And quietly the 3 of us sat there, enjoying this moment, watching the pool, smelling the salty sea air, sipping coffee, biting into the crispy croissant, soaking in the sun, the views, the sounds. It was extra special because it would never come back again in the exact same way, with the same people, at the very same journeys of our individual life trajectories.

So we marinated deeply in the moment, sighed fondly, and let it go.

And freed ourselves.

“People suffer because they are caught in their views.
As soon as we release those views, we are free and we don’t suffer anymore.”
Thich Nhat Hanh

All pics are by yours truly and a high-res version may be available soon to download via unsplash. Attributions are always encouraged and welcome.