The paradox of full-empty

Making sense of it and making it work - for your career, and life

Bangalore has been much loved for its weather and dreaded for it’s traffic. Over the years, it has only got worse, with rising car ownership and more Indians (and expats) relocating to India’s version of the ‘Silicon Valley’. The idea of the place - not the TV series, I mean.

We’ve have had a small luxury of having drivers (chauffeurs) from the time we relocated back from Europe. Over 7 years ago, amidst a general strike, I decided to try and make an attempt to go to office. Our driver Parameshwar was delighted. Beaming through his lush moustache, he declared with the glee of a 5-year-old, that the road ahead was “full…lllll-empty”!

For some reason, this paradoxical phrase stayed with me. You might say, since that day, I linked and locked it to the parable of ‘emptying’ one’s cup. That story, unlike Parameshwar’s moment of discovery and delight, dates back several centuries to a conversation over tea. Between the Zen Master Ryutan and the Scholar Tokusan.

Tokusan had heard of the legendary Ryutan, so he came to see the Master and learn all about Zen. A few minutes into the conversation, the scholar started interrupting, rebutting and arguing with Ryutan.

Ryutan’s response was one of calm. He got up and suggested they have tea. He began pouring into Tokusan’s cup. And he kept on pouring. Even as the cup began overflowing.

Tokusan angrily interjected — “Stop it—why can’t you see?” and pointed at the overflowing cup. A smiling Ryutan then reminded the scholar that we are often so full of ourselves, that there’s no room to absorb new ideas, appreciate new perspectives or create the space for change.

“Come back with an empty cup,” suggested the Zen Master.

It is easier said than done. The full, overflowing cup is not just a metaphor for our overflowing ego but also our blind spots, and the lack of self-awareness. More often than not, we’re not even aware of our need to empty, to create room for change and allow transformation to happen.

“Let go of what no longer serves you”

This is an oft-used phrase in guided meditation. But I doubt if most of us are even aware of what it is supposed to serve us, and if it actually does so or not.

Our beliefs, world-views, opinions (about ourselves and our abilities), habit and thought-patterns - all of these shape our reality and have a direct impact on our relationships, career, health and success.

Our beliefs, thought and habit-patterns can either be wings or weights that attach to our life, either raising and empowering us or weighing us down and creating negative patterns.

Letting go of what no longer serves us means recognising the negative patterns and beliefs that are stopping us from growing to our full potential and often, holding us back. It means detaching—hang on, this isn’t like detaching a word or jpeg file from your email! It’s a little more complicated than that.

What’s in your cup?

The definitions and differences between beliefs, values, biases, world views, culture, habit patterns, prejudices et al won’t serve us here - it can become long and academic.

But the way they intermesh and weave together is via the narratives we are constantly building on, inside our heads—especially, the ceaseless chatter, the commenting and the constant judging.

Some of the ways we can break these are:

• By the stories we tell about ourselves: “I can do it better than anyone” or “this is just beyond me”. “I feel good about the exam today” or “why do I always blow these interview rounds?” or “I am simply not ready yet.”

• By the stories we tell of the people around us: “Why does she have to be such a difficult child?”or “I am so lucky to have him as my boss” to “I am not looking forward to this team event” or “If he was here, he could have sorted this”.

• By the stories we tell of the world around us: “Why does it have to be me, always?” to “At least I am grateful for this sunny morning” to “Why does all this traffic appear whenever I am late?” to the eternal favourite “The universe conspires to…” (this can go either way).

Fill your cup with awareness

Awareness is what ultimately stops us from getting carried away in the flow of these narratives and judgements, of feeling like a victim, feeling bitter. Or feeling the need to be the victor always, even at the cost of constantly treading over values, rights, emotions and feelings of others, including those you love.

Awareness is pausing to listen to your narratives and judgments—giving it your full attention and asking:

• Where do these narratives and stories come from?

• What strongly-held beliefs, opinions and thought-patterns give rise to these?

• What if my thoughts or feelings are only partly true, or completely wrong?

A reflection—with a full cup

This makes for an interesting end-of-the-week exercise. Just book some time with yourself—at home or a cafe for the weekend. With your favourite beverage. Perhaps in the week to follow, you might find it worthwhile to try out some of these:

• Be aware of some of your strong feelings, emotions through the week and the associated narratives.

• To make a note, mental or ideally in any note-taking app or pen-and-paper.

• To not judge. Just observe and record.

• Using the time with yourself, to reflect and spot any patterns—especially how you relate to yourself, the world around you, your colleagues and loved ones.

• A few repeats over several weeks and weekends is always recommended as well as an end-of-year reflection.

Ready to empty?

This might help you get a sense of “What no longer serves me” and narratives that you’re ending up serving, possibly unaware. Does this help you get started on what you need to empty? The What you want to empty is the first step in self awareness. Without the what, and by association the why, the how and when are meaningless.

You could always use the comments to share how this exercise went, and how it made you feel. Or if this read brought out more questions rather than answers.

The philosophy of ‘fullempty’

Before I encountered Parameshwar, life had forced me to ‘fullempty’ myself multiple times. I hadn’t necessarily intended to empty my cup, but the two recessions and multiple associated events not only emptied but also shattered cups. The pain of losing the home that Esha and I had lovingly built in Bristol, followed by the pain of losing a business we had set up in Manchester, nestled between the two legendary Old Trafford stadiums—all of it. And then, the whole idea of starting anew all over again. And again.

Central to my coaching practice is this essential life lesson —the idea of examining the trajectory of our lives time and again, being aware and emptying the cups, mugs, glasses and goblets routinely, so we may fill it up with all that is meaningful and fulfilling to our lives.

May the force be with you.

Postscript

• An extra special thanks to my friend, sky-watcher, companion and co-conspirator Esha for constantly nudging me to write, and write with a cadence. Her own blog celebrated 8 years recently. Having a thoughtful editor at home is bonus and a blessing!

• Parameshwar left shortly after his fullllempty discovery, back to his village and his fields. I am sure he is happier amongst the greens than the concrete city roads.

• The word Parameshwar is a compound of the Sanskrit words Param or परम meaning 'Supreme' and Ishwar ईश्वर meaning 'Lord'. The term usually indicates the position of Shiva as the Supreme being and Supreme Reality

• Image & drawing by yours truly, Calvin & Hobbes by Bill Watterson via GoComics